11-10-2020 12:17am

Merge Wright: My Toxicology Report Is Back?

Rick Amburgey Neighbor

My toxicology report is back?

Ten years from today in 2030 I appear before Judge Grim Reeper Jr for a traffic violation of failure to signal lane change while driving on a two lane highway. I don’t understand the charge perhaps the judge can explain it. I’m sure I was just being profiled, older driver in a Porsche turbo Cabriolet with top down on a beautiful summer day (this is such a great dream) the cops are really into profiling these days. Of course when pulled over the officer has to do a quick stick in my arm for the mandatory drug-toxicology report that will be part of my file when I appear in court. At 10:45 AM the bailiff calls me to the stand. “Mr. Wright your toxicology report shows that on the day you were pulled over your digestive system was being attacked by pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, green olives and a large quantity of Diet Pepsi and a slight reading of oatmeal and raisins in a cookie batter were also visible. This is not a good combination for driving Mr. Wright, a tendency to fall sleep, run off the road, rear end somebody could very easily happen. The deputy was aware that something wasn’t right that’s why he pulled you over. Mr. Wright how do you plead?” I respond, “To what your honor, eating a small pizza for lunch, the olives, the pepperoni, the cookies, or the diet Pepsi?” “No, the improper lane change Mr. Wright.” “But your honor I was on a two lane highway headed south, there were cars going north, the other direction, how could I have made an illegal lane change? I remarked. “Well, the deputy couldn’t make it today so case dismissed. You’ll have to pay court costs however of $150, please see the cashier on your way out.” “Can I purchase a book of ten “court costs” right now for a discounted rate because I’m sure I’ll be a regular now that I’m in your system, I asked. “Miss Shady, give Mr. Wright the ten pack for $695.” Wow, scary dream or was it a look into……. the future?

Drug and toxicology reports will become standard fare in the future for every encounter with law enforcement. I remember in my senior year in high school my best friend and I standing in the street on a rainy night after a school dance. He said some guy gave me these pills tonight said they’d make me feel good, really high. When he opened his hand to show them to me I brought my hand up under his knocking the pills into the street where they vanished into the storm drain. We’ll end up in the same place taking that junk I remarked. I was no choir boy, when I was young, beer was my beverage of choice never getting into anything that wasn’t legal. Not being a chemist or understanding chemistry I would never take pills. To this day I bet I’ve taken less than 25 aspirin or Tylenol tablets in the last 76 years. If I’m sick and need meds to get better I’ll take what the doc prescribes.

People need to be high on life. You get to ride the roller coaster without the pain, suffering, and expense of something that will eventually destroy you. I have heard too many stories from our adult children of friends of friends and how they fell into the feel good chasm never to return.

Last Sunday I was doing a one and a half mile walk in our neighborhood. November 8, 2020 it was one week after we turned our clocks back an hour to return to Eastern Standard Time. I was wearing shorts and a polo because it was 84 degrees out at the time. I was sweating it was so hot, shouldn't have wore that T shirt underneath I thought. Then it dawned on me maybe instead of turning the clock back an hour it was a season. Well, I checked the “Weather Bug” on my smart phone. It was calling for 74 on Monday and 72 on Tuesday. In my 77th year here I’m missing things frequently maybe I need a nap to get back in the game. I entered my easy chair told Alexa to play some 40s music, Frank Sinatra, Gisele McKenzie, Glenn Miller Orchestra. Next thing I know I’m having a bowl of Cheerios with Lucy and thinking is today the day that the “Jackie Gleason Show” is on tonight. Gotta run the Lone Ranger is coming up right now.

See you next week right here. In the meantime drop me a note at: mergewright@yahoo.com and let me know what’s going on in your neck of the woods.