Wiser Guy: If Animals Could Talk


SPRINGBORO, OH -- Everyone knows animals can’t talk, right? Yes, dogs can bark, birds can tweet, owls can hoot, cats can meow and wolves and coyotes can howl. They must know what they are saying, but we don't. 

Wouldn’t it be great if we could translate their sounds into the King’s English so we could carry on a decent conversation? In a 1967 movie “Doctor Dolittle” there was a song titled “Talk to the Animals,” which conveyed that exact same thought.

This Spring I have come into contact with many of nature’s critters and have indeed talked to the animals but expected no reply in return. I can just imagine what they were thinking but could not reply. 

Just for fun, let’s imagine that they COULD talk. Here is how it might go…

Yesterday morning I saw a robin perched in one of my flower pots and commented, “Hello Ms. Robin. I can’t help but notice that you have put on a little weight over the winter. Have you been hitting the midnight worm buffet in my front yard?” 

Her comment, if she could talk, might have been, “No Mister Wiser Guy, I am pregnant. What’s YOUR excuse?”

Last week I saw a rabbit nibbling on one of my wife’s prized rose bushes and yelled out, “Hey rabbit, get out of my flower bed! If you are that hungry, why don’t you feast on that clover patch bordering our lot.” 

His reply might have been, “Mr. Wiser Guy, with all due respect, I eat clover six days a week. I need a little variety. Would you eat spinach six days in a row? Your rose bush is a Five Star restaurant. So cut me some slack. By the way, my deer friend Rudolph loves your Hostas.”

One more animal episode happened while I was driving my van at work the other day. To my left I saw a goose waddling across the road in the opposite lane wanting to cross in front of me. 

I stopped. 

He stopped. 

Five seconds passed without either of us moving. It resembled two gunslingers in a wild west movie, each waiting for the other to draw. Finally, I relented and moved my van slowly so as not to hit Mr. Goose. If animals could talk, here is how it might have been played differently…

I would say, “Hey goose, move it! The crosswalk is thirty feet up the road.” 

He would reply “Mr. Wiser Guy, if you hit me it will be YOUR goose that will be cooked! I will hire a legal eagle and see you in court. Do you think I am a roadrunner? I am an old goose and certainly not a spring chicken. And, if you are wondering why I am crossing the road instead of the chicken, it is his day off!"

Dogs CAN talk if asked the right question. 

Did you hear about the man and his dog who walkedinto a bar? He bet the bartender for a free drink if he could make his dog talk. The bet was on, and the man asked his dog, “Hey Fido, what is on the top of this building?” 

The dog replied, “roof roof.” 

Question number two was “Hey Fido, feel my beard. Is it smooth or rough?” 

Fido replied, “rough rough.” 

Final question: “Hey Fido, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” 

The dog replied, “Ruth Ruth.” 

The bartender, having been tricked, threw them both into the alley. In the alley, Fido turned to his master and incredulously asked, "DiMaggio?"

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